Adventures in Afternoon Anxiety

(AKA My Daily Work Preparation Routine)

My heart beats heavily in my chest as I sip my early afternoon coffee. There is a subtle, familiar shake in my hand as I raise the glass to my lips. A quick glance at my watch confirms what I already know. It’s 12:15 on a work day. I can almost feel the cortisol as it intoxicates my brain with its negative force. My anxiety is showing its ugly face once again. It happens like clockwork. It’s an everyday foe that comes with a rhythm as predictable as the sunrise. Every day my body, mind, and soul remember the horror of things I’ve seen but can (thankfully ) no longer see. It feels feelings I’ve learned to subdue to do the work I do and step into the dark places and spaces I regularly find myself. Meds help but as my eyes blur, ever so slightly, and my head dizzies with my daily anxiety attack it is my breath that restores me. I breathe in as deep as. can and hold it for 1… 2… 3. Then I exhale fully. I let out more than I knew was in my lungs and hold for 1… 2… 3, before inhaling deep again. The anxiety fades. It doesn’t belong. It’s not mine to hold on to, so I let it go further with each breath. My vision clears. My hand steadies as I breathe in this rhythm as much as I need. the anxiety fades, but not without leaving me feeling worn like a long day swimming against the tide. I take another sip of coffee and trust the caffeine to work its magic and ease my headache. I sit still and breathe, now with a little less intention, but I still breathe slowly and steadily. I glance again at the heart monitor on my watch as it shows my pulse returning to its normal BPM. I sit still. I write. I think, process, pray, and prepare. I keep breathing. Be still, says the quiet voice of the Spirit. Be.