The air in the room was dense and hot. With every inhale, my lungs felt slow and sticky. It felt more akin to drinking molasses than it did breathing. The “Crown Ballroom” A/C conceded defeat as it fought to cool 100+ extra souls than planned for, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder around circular banquet tables. I stood against the temporary wall in the back of the room, sweat dampening my shirt. The Spirit’s wind moved throughout the room, comforting most who gathered, lifting, and encouraging others as applause erupted with the announcement of the election of our new bishop. It was a holy moment, but I struggled to celebrate with the crowd. As I swallowed another thick, syrupy breath, I could only think, “Everything is about to change… again.” No, I wasn’t elected. God, no! I would be a terrible Bishop; no one wants that job less than me. I wasn’t even nominated. But my pastor, friend, and colleague was nominated… and he won. Tim (PT), the Senior Pastor I work with, is now Bishop-Elect. His tenure with our church will end later this summer. After a move to Indianapolis, he’ll start his six-year term as bishop of the Indiana-Kentucky Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA). He will be an amazing bishop. I am thrilled for him and for the wider church.
My phone pinged as soon as they announced the results. As sweat dripped onto the tempered glass screen of my iPhone, I read,
“Do you have to resign now?”
“Does this mean you will become the new senior pastor?”
“How do you feel?”
“No.”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know.”
I tapped out in reply.
I don’t know what will happen. I may become the senior pastor—it’s not fully up to me—but I don’t know how I feel yet. I’m sad. I’m still wrestling with how I feel about the inevitable change for our church and what it will mean to accompany them as they grieve the departure of our beloved pastor.
Almost everyone from the church has been supportive. I got a few “interesting” comments on Sunday, but that’s to be expected. Change is hard. I’m still new, and people are grieving. I don’t know everyone yet, and they don’t know me. Maybe that’s part of my sadness. I can do the work whether my position changes or not. I’ve done it before, and we have an amazing staff. But all of a sudden, it feels a little more lonely.
Right now, I’m just sitting with the “I don’t know” of it all. Hopefully, some things will become clear soon. But the unknown feels like holy ground. So, I’m going to rest in it for a while.
You are not alone. We will navigate this transition together.
Breathing deep and praying with…. ❤️🩹