I Am In Over My Head
“Receive this stole as a sign of your work, and live in obedience to the Lord Jesus, serving his people and remembering his promise: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)”
The Bishop spoke these words as I knelt before the congregation. He laid the long, heavy stole across my shoulders. I felt its weight. Not just the weight of the garment but the weight of all it symbolized.
At the beginning of the service, the Bishop announced,
“I present for ordination to the ministry of word and sacrament Brian Spahr, who has been prepared, examined, and approved for this ministry and who has been called by the church to this ministry…”
I sensed the call. I had undoubtedly been examined. But was I really prepared? I thought I was. 15 years later, I know I wasn’t. How could anyone really prepare for a life like this? In the 15 years since that day, I have known joy beyond description. I have been loved well by so many people. I’ve been honored to serve the last and the least. But I’ve also been beaten up, worn out, accused, and abused. Many days, I’ve wondered if maybe I should have taken another path. But then I think back to the moment the Bishop laid the stole across my shoulders. My ordination stole was made by my friend Kenyon. He knitted it out of yarn made from the cast-off material of refined silk. He made it out of the reject pile, the stuff that wasn’t good enough. The symbol of my call as a pastor is made out of stuff that no one wanted. It is perfectly imperfect, and so am I. It’s not fancy, but it is beautiful. It reminds me that God doesn’t see me as cast off or part of the reject pile. God sees me as beautiful and loved. So, I continue to embrace the call and live into my pastoral vows.
No, I’m not prepared, even fifteen years later. How could I be? There is too much unknown. So much of this work is about listening, responding, and being present in all life's impossibly unpredictable twists and turns. One of my early mentors said, “The sooner you realize you are over your head, the better.” How true that is. I am in over my head. I was while I served in a church setting. I am every day in the hospital. I’m not unskilled or untrained. There are things I do well and have worked hard to learn. But the work of ministry and its fruit doesn’t belong to me. The burden of the hardship and the weight of any success I could claim is too much to bear. Instead, I’m learning to cling to the same words of Jesus that the Bishop read as my ordination stole weighed on my shoulders for the first time 15 years ago today. He said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”