Am I Open to Wholeness?

Mar 16

Am I open to wholeness?

I can talk a big game, but sometimes I wonder if I’m more interested in the idea of wholeness than I am in actually being whole. Or maybe it’s less about my interest level — I’m interested in a LOT of things — and more about my willingness to embrace what it might involve to be made whole. There is a death I need to die (or many), lest everything will remain the same. I live in the tension of longing to live more fully… to embrace the gift of knowing and being known.. of loving and being loved well… and the safety, comfort, and familiarity of the way things are. The way things are is safe… or at least it’s familiar. It’s familiar and I know how to navigate it enough that it feels safe. But is it? As long as I don’t let anyone much beneath the surface my shortcomings will remain less obvious. As long as I keep people at arms length it’s harder to be hurt again… and I’ve been hurt plenty. So I live in the tension. I’m not alone, but I am often lonely. Loneliness is a symptom of not feeling seen or known. But it’s hard to be seen or known when I’ve built a fortress around the parts of me that remain hidden and secret.

Am I open to wholeness?

I want to be. Maybe that’s something. Despite everything… despite the wounds and scars and fears that sometimes get the best of me I STILL WANT TO BE OPEN. I STILL WANT TO BE WHOLE. I STILL WANT TO KNOW AND BE KNOWN… TO LOVE AND BE LOVED WELL. I want to be open to the death(s) I need to die for this to become so. Maybe that’s something. Maybe that’s a place to start today.

Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way of everlasting. — PSALM 139

Thank you for reading Working it out as I go. This post is public so feel free to share it.